365days.
Monday, November 15, 2010 @ 10:24 PM
The truth is, every time I begin a post like this; it will take a moment for me to write up what I really think, and to re-read that and to make sure that it fits with what I want people to think of me when they read what I've written. But today, for the first time, I really don't give a shit. I mean, today I just feel that there is no need to backspace, or to hold back from what you really want to say, or how you really feel. Heck, haters will always hate, lovers can learn hate, but the uncertain have the opportunity to meet the real you.Flashback my life in 365days and swarm of people that have entered my life with in that period; through school, through work, through ex's, through mates, through friends friends. There will only be a certain number of people who enter your life that will remain in it for the rest of it, and its funny because i tend to find that the more intimate I get with anyone, the more likely my time with them will end quicker. So in the end, why make it so intimate? Or why get so close?
No one likes to get hurt. No one wants to wake up alone one day and be like, "shit? What I am doing here?" And I don't think its something I want to feel. Which is why, I've got involved in what I have. I don't know what name its given me, a player, a manwhore, a whatever, but trust me, I entered whatever I did for a reason. Because it made me happy, because she may have been the one that I actually woke up to in the morning and been like "shit. lifes good." or maybe it was the best mate that calls you at 2am in the morning and will be like "thank you, you remind me of all the little shit the everyone fails to." That's what I've been made of, composed of, been apart of for a year.
But flashback a year, and you wouldn't think whatever happened, would happen, and I guess you could be an optimist and say that whatever happened in the past made you the better person you are today, but we all know that can be bullshit. Just to make yourself feel better, I reckon. Shit happens in life; and instead of telling yourself, "its ok thats life" I'd rather accept that I was wrong and foolish to have done something so stupid or so .. whatever it was.
*Haha, I've backspaced countless times on this blog, something which I originally intended not to do.*
Part of my personality means that I mingle well, but I know I'll get boring after a month. Like seriously, give me thirty days and I swear whatever relationship you and I have will be doomed by the end of it. There are only people who have entered my life and been able to stand me for over 3 year or so years, so yeah.
I hate that, I feel like I'm hosting my own narrative, or play, or drama series if you like. Don't tell me I'm staged; because everyone can be an attention seeker, but the shit that gets out about where I went, or what I said, or who I was with, I think that's more so people not minding what should be their own business. Let's face it, i can be flambuoyant? But I'm really not the type who likes to hurt peoples feelings. So I let you win. I let you cut me up inside by letting you be the one who tells me to piss off. I let you be the one who starts to drift away from me first. I wait for you to be the one to break up with me (but if that doesn't go ahead, I should obviously begin the end, as it is wrong to play along with something thats not there.)
What I'm trying to get at is; 365 days later, I'm sitting in this chair. Thinking about all the people who have impacted by life, for better or for worse, and I'm thankful for what I've gained or rekindled, but at the same time, I hope there are some of you out there who enter my life, for keeps? :(